I’ve gotten a job selling articles on the internet. Pretty sweet in that I can do everything at home. I haven’t been able to face how hard it is to get out and go to work. I still have my job at the vet clinic, but it is so difficult to get there sometimes. Between the latest pain flare and being sick with some kind of mutant cold/sinus bug, I haven’t made it in over a week. The articles have been a great pick-me-up because I feel like less of a drain on our resources since I am bringing in more cash. The frustrating thing is the pain is such a struggle and sitting up causes my POTs to rear its head. I felt pretty silly when after a week of weird dizzy spells I finally figured out it was just the act of sitting up instead of reclining that was triggering my spells. Why is it so frustrating? By now I should understand that my body doesn’t work properly, but I still feel like I should be able to do more…I mean really it shouldn’t be difficult to sit up and type. I try to pace myself and get up and move, but crud when sometimes it sets in within 5 minutes what do I do? Bah, it doesn’t matter in the greater scheme of things because I meet my deadlines and my articles typically do not need revisions. I just would like to feel like my “old” normal…I can’t let go of it. Hell, I would just like to get back half of what I used to be…I know it won’t happen.
I’m lucky though. People in my life get it. They don’t doubt me and are the ones trying to get me to relax and slow down. The other day my mother-in-law was over because we were having a mini bday for my youngest stepdaughter. I was limping around getting things organized, shepherding the dogs in/out of the house, and keeping things to a low roar. She was staring at me with a little smile on her face and suddenly blurted out, “Do you know how exceptional you are?” I kind of just stopped and stuttered then hugged her. It had been such a hard day and I was trying to hide just how bad the pain was because I had forgotten my meds (I couldn’t take them anyway because they would have knocked me out) It meant so much to me to realize she understood how hard I try.
My oldest stepdaughter has issued a challenge to me and I…I accepted so the pressure is on. She wants me to finish my book and start submitting it to publishers by the end of 2013. I have to get to work!
The day after the bday party I was laying in bed recovering and the oldest came in and laid her head on my shoulder. She kind of shifted her head back and forth and then commented on how my joints sounded like gel filled with broken glass and said it didn’t sound like it would feel good. I didn’t even notice that when she was moving her head it was causing my shoulder to subluxate…my other joints hurt so much worse that I didn’t feel it until I focused on what she was doing. She then asked me the “why can’t they fix you?” question and I had to tell her that they just didn’t really understand my problem. She frowned at me and said that wasn’t fair. I grinned and said “you’re telling me.” and then changed the subject to what they were going to be doing with their mum for spring break. I felt like crap and if I had delved into the topic of my problem I would have gotten bitter or cried neither of which are things that I like to do in front of the kids.